They say that you can’t lose if you never play. You won’t lose if you don’t try. But what happens to someone who constantly plays a losing game? What happens to me when all I’ve ever done is lost even when I don’t play? I keep finding myself missing you more and more in the summer time.
There was this one time that I will never forget. I was so upset with you for making me go to church. It was you, big brother, and I. He stayed with the teen youth group; I had to be with the kid church kids. All they made us do was color pages and it felt like another school class.
After the services were over, it was time to go. I couldn’t find you or big brother. The next thing I remember, a couple I don’t really remember is taking me to their car, and you were nowhere to be found. I cried, I didn’t realize how much I missed you and needed you until I was taken from you and didn’t want to be. I escaped eventually and got back to you and I hugged and held onto you for so long.
I didn’t know that, that feeling of missing you would come back into my life so frequently and so heavily.
I wish I could join you, in whatever peaceful plane you exists in now. There are these points where I feel so alone. I’m understand how you felt with your depression, how my dad felt with his, I’m the bastard child of hereditary depression and it feels so heavy every year on your birthday. The summer lingers for too long and I find myself falling victim to the chilling thoughts of what life could be like if you were here. Maybe I’d accomplish more? Maybe you could teach me how to love someone properly and not be so over bearing, or maybe you could teach me all the lessons that I’ve failed to learn on my own? I feel like mostly you’d just look at me with disdain and disappointment. I’ve learned to love everyone so much. I’ve only learned to hate myself. Is this what you want for me?
I stopped praying once you left, maybe you’d tell me to pray, maybe you’d tell me to confide in someone, or to believe in myself.
That’s the thing that no one will ever understand unless they’ve lost their parents too.
You’re stuck with these questions and always looking for something because everything’s been taken from you.
I hope that if you were still here, you’d still love me as I love you. That’s all I need.
When I finally join you what will I have accomplished? Should I depart with something profound and heavy for the people I love to decipher? I don’t know what to say majority of the time anymore. I don’t know what feelings I feel. If there’s one thing you taught me, It’s that I should always be careful.
I wish you could teach me more, I wish you could impart me with some of your wisdom, I wish I could’ve taken your place. But what would you want? What can I do for your birthday for these years to come? Have I let you down like I’ve let everyone else down?
I shouldn’t be so negative on a beautiful day, this day that is yours and forever will be.
I just miss you is all but mostly I just wanted to talk to you. Even though you can’t hear me
I wanted to say
Happy Birthday, Mommy
Love Always, Your son