There has and always be these dreams of ascension, maybe my fear of ascension.
The dreams start off in a very normal environment. Somewhere nostalgic for me: a place like my first elementary school, or high school. As the dream plays out, there will be a point where I venture outside and things begin to fall apart. Random violence happens around me, people who I hold dear begin to run and I tremble in place afraid. Until I jump and I don’t come back down. I keep going higher and higher until I can taste the raindrops as I pass through clouds. It feels like the earth rejected me and released me from its gravity. I can’t help but panic in these dreams and swing my legs and arms and kick and swing out of terror hoping to get back down.
Before I could realize it, there was no one around me. I was just listlessly floating in nothing. I would awake with a bitter taste in my mouth and a cold air that filled my room.
It’s probably me pushing myself away from everything and running away because I’m so accustomed to self-destruction that I won’t allow happiness to exist.
It’s an effortless action to create emptiness and sorrow in my life.
Why would I not continue to create it?
It’s the easiest route for me to go.
But in all honesty I’m ready to grow past all of this maybe I should allow myself to ascend these things, but I don’t want to go alone. I want the ones I love to come with me. So we may grow together and create bonds of unimaginable depths.
Whenever there is a good thing in my life I tend to panic and fret and become self-conscious about all of my actions and if I’m making the correct choices.
I don’t know who I could be sometimes. Because I’m too quick to give up on me, I’m glad I’ve encountered people who don’t give up on me, even though it’s the easiest thing to do for them.
I’ve found my state of happiness for the first time in a very long time and it’s all thanks to the sunshine.
She is radiant enough for us both.
Even when her eyes are so focused on the ground and she isn’t looking ahead. I know at her core. She wants what’s best.
Worked my whole life on becoming a decent person who is capable of so many things, capable to love and care and provide for myself and others.
While progressing to these goals, I lost sight of why I wanted these things. To see the sunshine, to feel joy and avoid the dark corners that I constantly lingered in, but by always chasing after this decent man I could be. I pushed myself into a hole. I allowed things to happen. I allowed myself to misstep and fall into things that weren’t truly meant for me.
I avoided the sun and chased the moon. Thinking that the light that the moon provided was just as warm as the sun;
I think there’s random moments of necessary disconnect in all relationships with people.
Not just lovers, but friendships, family, and all of it happens because sometimes we are just afraid of the feelings and emotions that happen when we begin to really notice a genuine connection. These moments of disconnect are tests of the heart and create questions. Questions that will test the bond of many things it’s all about just seeing where it will all lead.
I’ve felt alone for a long time, the rekindling of the fires of love and intimacy. It’s terrifying.
With enough attention the fire can burn too hot, and all that are involved become afraid and run.
But maybe the goal is to, admire the fire, and watch it blaze with the passing time.
I haven’t really felt anything in a long time; it feels surreal to feel this way again.
Bare the fires of love, and the reward of happiness is so much more soothing.
Maybe, these dreams of floating away, maybe it’s just me running away as I always do.
Or maybe it’s me finally letting go of the things that have always held me down. All of the habits and tendencies that led me to the places where I never should’ve went.
There were times where I was told to let go, but I didn’t want to listen to those voices.
I didn’t want to hear it.
I wanted to put the strongest grip onto anything, anything that felt significantly real at those times.
That’s what you do when all you’ve been is trampled over by so many who claim to love you and care for you; but really it isn’t real your eye are covered with pretty words and you just chase after these unreal feelings trying to discover what they really are.
When you finally get the cover from your eyes taken away you get to see the scars on your hand from holding onto vapid bonds.
I learned this the hardest way possible.
I had my eyes uncovered, but I continued to hold this do-or-die grip onto bonds that were broken.
My hands were tired finally and I let go of all of these broken bonds. My hands were weak but, the sun still shined.
The bonds that were really meant for me, the things I needed to hold onto. They weren’t broken or falling to pieces, they shined like the sun did. They warmed my heart and soul.
It was a feeling so warm that I could finally see that the sun loved me as much as I loved it; and things were going to be more than okay.
This is the furthest I’ve really ever gone to explaining my dreams, or at least trying to figure out what they mean.
I’m glad that I could process this all openly.
I have the hardest time trying to figure myself out.
I spend too much time over thinking, over exerting my brain and micro managing my every action.
I’ve been having this dream about things breaking apart and me jumping and never coming down.
I thought it was a sort of escapism.
It was really just me trying to tell myself to let go of all of these bonds that are broken and allow yourself to receive the love that is willingly given to you.
I’m glad I’ve figured this out.
I thought I had finished growing up. There is still so much to learn.
I just want to stay with the sunshine, because the sunshine is what I’ve been after.
Now that I’ve gotten it, I’m not afraid to feel or do things.
Now I’ve written too much and none of it makes sense, but I don’t care about any of that.
It’s been a long voyage finding the love I’ve wanted.
This is just a drawn out thank you letter to everyone who told me that the sunshine was always there, even when I was playing blind to it.
It was what I wanted all along.