Amour / Tristesse

Writing

My depression is like a natural disaster.

It comes at any given moment, shakes apart my foundation. Unleashes mighty waves of sadness and self-doubt.

It ruins my days and nights, weeks and months. It is a crippling sensation whenever I fall
To a new low.

Looking for new places to wallow in or a new heart to ruin. All the attempts to save me leave people with great hate for me. It seems like I absorb all their love and leave them empty. I am afraid that all I do is hurt people and that my love is too destructive. That I only cause misery and never any joy.

I have so much love to give, so much passion and understanding yet it seems i just give away the wrong things. I give all the love I can, but it gets lost in translation when getting to the other person, so it feels vague, and untrue. There are no games I desire to play. No mental abuse I wish to dole out. I just want to feel the warmth of love and get lost in its daze with someone.
Yet all that happens is, the love gets polluted, with my doubts and my insecurities.
I start to question things that I shouldn’t, and then I slowly see how I am destroying the love I want.

After it has weakens all I can do is ask, what happened to our tomorrow? What happened to unrelenting love and compassion? Did I ruin it all? Did I make a wrong turn somewhere and you went right and I was simply left?

Is my love too sour to enjoy the sweetness of your warmth?

Is no one willing to stand by my side and take my love and endure?

Is my love too weak? Is it too strong? Do I ask for too much? Do I want too little? Do I want enough?

Is my love enough? Is my heart not filled with the sweetest love?
Are these disastrous depressive moments overwhelming for every woman I ever love?

Is my pain too bothersome? Are the dark moments too scary?
Are the waves of sorrow crashing too hard against your chest?

Is there a way for me to safeguard you? So you won’t run, so you won’t be afraid of
Me? Is there a way to just exchange our love without you seeing all of this sadness?
Because my depression is equivalent to the damage left by hurricanes. Sometimes it’s just a few power lines, sometimes my entire state of mind is destroyed.

I get lost sometimes, but all I want is genuine love and someone to fight by my side.
What’s another lost love to a man who losses everything? It’s more than just a loss. It’s a disruptive force that shakes my entire world apart. It feels like everything is taken away and all that is left is a burning agony in the depths of my soul.

Another lost love is another unanswered question, another sad poem about how I want to still embrace you.

It’s not just a loss to me, it’s a disappointment. That maybe I’m not qualified enough for anyone. That my love is too overwhelming, that my touch is too tender, that my
Voice isn’t enough to satisfy.
Yet

Another reminder that I’m still not capable enough.
I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling and ask myself how I’m feeling and not a single word leaves my mouth.
But whose to blame? The person you love or the sadness that resides inside?

Love should
Be always. Etched in stone.

Love is almost like writing in pen, you can’t correct the mistakes you can scratch at them but the love that was there will always remain.

Make mistakes, never give up on love though. Battle the hardest battles together and what will remain will be the greatest love possible.

 

 

But how can anyone feel secure in love? Am I the only one whose afraid that all the love will go away? Love leaves, all because of me and my uncertainty.

 

I deserve satisfaction in all forms, I deserve love that won’t leave or give out on me. Even when it’s the easiest option.

 

Teach me to love the right way, Teach me that love isn’t always about who walks away and then comes back. Teach me that love means so much more than having multiple daggers in ones back. What if love doesn’t hurt? What if love is easy and we all just keep falling into the wrong hearts?

What if all this is for nothing and I’m still scrambling for answers.

I should enjoy the love I get.

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