From a hiatus

Writing

This has something to do with me growing up

Somewhere between age 7 and 21 I lost sight of who I was, who i wanted to be, as a kid I wanted nothing more than to just fly a plane and look out at the endless sky. As I grew more and more, I lost track of that dream. Not a single soul noticed or paid attention to my heart and soul pulling away and getting lost in the darkness.

I’ve been trying to find the courage to ask myself, why aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Why are you so afraid?

As soon as I ask myself I know I’ll crumble and my words will slur and my thoughts will stampede. My nerve system will shut down and my body will enter a state of crisis.

I just want to go back to the kid who smiled for no reason every morning, the kid who kissed his mother on the cheek and greeted the world with an innocent Optimism. Who I am now, I’ve outrun rest. Trying to run from my shadow is the only mission I’ve always failed. Trying to escape from the things inside me that I’ve kept close.
The descent of closing time, the ticking away of time as I await the reaper to greet me with his Mischievous smirk.

This  is what I wrote after going through a break up in 2013/ a part two to sunflower that I forgot about since it came later on

To my dearest sunflower, I never knew how to write about this, or these feelings.
So forgive me for all of the misconstrued statements I may commit here. Sometimes I have a hard time trying to find the right way to show you or tell you I love you, and that you mean the world to me.
You ran through my world with a whirlwind of emotions and I was so taken back by your presence. You told me a few days ago that you just wanted someone to share your misery
With.

We were perfect for each other, fresh wounds and hearts full of love and misery.
You were everything I could ever want.

I think we fell in love with each other when we weren’t ready for that type of love.
For us our love was based on how hurt we were.

I want to come back to you, later, after we have grown some, after we have made decision in our lives and have conquered our demons a bit more.

Because I’ve never had such a beautiful love and experience with anyone in my life.

I wouldn’t mind sharing moments like that with you for the remainder of my short life.
There are so many things about you that I love,
So many things I desire. So many I want to learn.

You make me feel things I never thought I’d feel.

That nauseous feeling In my gut, that trembling of my lips when I say your name, that nervous stutter of my heart whenever I see you pass on my timeline because I know you’re not mine anymore.
I know one day, I will be all yours and you will be all mine.

I’ll reclaim my heart back from the undeserving and share with you the things I should
Have: my world.

Im just afraid to make the same mistakes again and repeat the things that ruined us.

I want there to be a you in us.
With Love Always,
D.M.A

More unfinished love letters essentially.

I know my mother would like you that’s why I’m willing to start things over more than twice with you, I’m a mess and you’re the only one willing to clean me up. You’re my favorite drug, I can’t get enough of you. I wish I could say that I’m less than addicted to you and that smile but the truth is. I’d walk a thousand miles in tattered shoes across a road of nails for you.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

It took Van Gogh his entire life to draw like a child, and they are all masterpieces. Will it take me my entire life to find that child like instinct to simply my art and create a masterpiece?

Rewriting the lines that seem to constantly repeat in my head trying to get them down until I agree with myself. Lately there has been this dream that reoccurs a lot. It’s a dream that my lie
Isn’t truly happening that I’ve been asleep in the 3rd grade in Ms.Pails classroom. I’ve had this dream for a decade now. I wake up with my head swollen from running into a metal pole on the playground. I’d been unconscious for a long time. But I finally woke up and the clock read 4:00. School was already over, I don’t remember how I got to my desk, or even how I managed to get in the classroom. My mother was looking down at me.

This all felt so real.

I fell really hard into this place. This dark box. I want to take my fists and break through this box and find a valley. Where the sunshines just as it does at dawn, where the breeze is crisp and cool, I want there to be a sunflower waiting for me under a lonesome tree.

I wanted to fall into the warm embrace of the sunflowers scent. To nuzzle myself in the bosom of this flower and feel free of the things I once felt so Trapped by.

Thirteen petals all that hold different scars. Thirteen petals that I will find eternally beautiful.

I wanted to wrap my arms around the stem and kiss each petal.

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