Douceur / Douleur

Writing

You can burn away your mind and still be afraid to die. Everything seems to burn away when people see through closed eyes.

Running through the midnight air to escape the demons I see behind me out of blatant paranoia.
Am I tired of running? I think I’ve just grown tired of blaming myself. A furious heart and a mind full of maliciousness I haven’t grown out of those. I’ve made improvements. I leave some people behind, I save time for myself and those who are really important.

Cracking jokes trying to fight all the depression so the smile overlaps the deep seeded bitter pain In my chest.

Fighting battles against armies of myself.
Always putting my thoughts in a blender and breaking it all down over thinking it
All.

Voices in my head play the same recorded messages. I’ve seen the bad and terrified by the good.

Sometimes I dream and I see the earths end. I hope it come soon. It seems that the human race only learns from tragedy and anguish.

The only species to get the desire to advance from tragedy and not just to better themselves.
Injecting ourselves with whatever seems to feel good for just those few seconds. Afterwards we scramble for another distraction addicted to media and the glamour of fame.
Someone once asked me why I want to die so badly sometimes, I never really found a reason to answer because I just no longer wanted to look at the massive black hole we are slowly getting dragged into.

If you would ask me that question now, I’d say,” How can I stand to live in a world, a society, where every day it feels like you have to suck love through a straw when it is always openly available? Why pay for straws when you don’t need one? Sure love can be too much at times but we learn from it? What kind of demented soul would I be to want to tolerate such harsh conditions? This is a place where people are killed and abused and it’s overlooked because we as human beings are afraid to face facts. I’d much rather lose the insignificant life I have than to stumble through this world trying to question everything anymore. I’ve outgrown over analyzing and trying to figure out what if situations. I no longer blame my past or use those things as excuses. I’ve been contemplating live now and die later. I can die whenever my life has been everything I’ve hoped for. Can you blame me for hoping to die when there’s tragedy around every corner I look past? I wouldn’t hold it against anyone. ”
In my search for answers to that I found ugly truths, I learned to hate myself so much more than I already did. Blaming myself for everyone’s failures and misfortunes, because I was ashamed of my lack of worth. I felt undeserving of love, useless in all aspects inferior to all that exist.

When despair is all you know, it’s so much harder to enjoy the love around you. You ignore it, run from it, because pain is what we grow accustomed to. When a pleasant sensation comes. It’s almost terrifying.

I’m growing.

I am getting past these ideas and answers. I’ve lingered long enough on these questions.
I’ve been pursing answers, but I don’t need to.

It’s okay to enjoy the moments and not worry about if it all comes crashing down.

I hope.

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