Cold Spit

Writing

Id been waiting for this moment for so long. This bitter air. The snow would form a throne for me and I was the only heir. I belonged outside in these harsh winds.

The hours, minutes, days didn’t matter because the day was short and the night was long. I finally felt at home in this planet. My breath finally in front of me.

My body still warm i step into the cold and I feel welcomed. I don’t feel alone here.

I am alone, I am low and lonely. But the winter, it brings me such pleasure it makes my heart weep, my lip quiver.

Oh in love I am. I stay out awaiting for the snow flakes to bless me with their gift of beauty.

There are no human souls, there is only the fleeing birds and the sound of my breath as I stroll this desolate wonderland.

I belong here, all I’ve ever done is beg to be alone and then when I finally am alone I beg for someone to save me from myself.

I trap myself out in the frozen forests and slide down the icy paths, no one else is around so I hear my inner voice. I hear the sound of my pain, my loneliness.

I’ve always been so unhappy and so despondent. I wanted to fall in love in high school I wanted to be that guy who got to be with his high school sweetheart. I wanted to love someone, I’ve always been incapable of loving myself. So I wanted to give my love to someone, I just hoped that they’d consider loving me back. I spent so much time trying to love someone. I learned all their flaws and their amazing qualities, I ripped my heart right
Out my chest and threw it on the floor for them and told them “spit on it, because my love isn’t enough for you”, nothing I had was enough for anyone so I allowed them all to just shame my love and my heart. I was tired of feeling empty and alone, but that was just high school. Whenever the winter came, I always found myself outside, letting the cold bite at my skin, the wind tormenting my face. It hurt enough for me to love it, I didn’t feel lonely in this cold. I felt like the earth finally wanted me to feel something. Yet the world didn’t notice that I had died right there, no that I had killed myself searching and seeking out the love that I believed I wanted. I died right in the middle of a valley of snow, just deep enough that my face was submerged. No one noticed it, after a while I stopped concerning myself with coming back from my thoughts.
I pray that it is always cold and the snow always falls and warms my skin. So I can lay covered in its cold bliss, and find solace in my head.

After a while, I didn’t feel a single thing.
I don’t think I can save a single person but I always want to try.

My vision left took my mind out past the andromeda. What adventure would this death soon bring me.

I thought it was good that my emotions were gone and I could feel nothing

While

I was lost in a place where I couldn’t catch my breath:

I had no friends here.

Everything is so much more beautiful when you’re lost. I hate that I can’t stop and stay and learn something new from a life form that people have never seen.

You didn’t realize I died for a little while and you never cared.

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