As my feet cracked the soaked pavement and concrete, the rain fell violently. I hid under a tree whose leaves weren’t yet damaged or thrown into the wind. As the rain calmed I continued on. The earth was silent at this hour; cars that once roared like lions are now asleep. The rain was cold and the wind was no longer brutish just a simple breeze that brushed against my back and swung around and washed itself upon my face.
As I trekked through the park, I felt a warm set of eyes at my back. Maybe my demons were toying with my head once again on another restless night.
As my head turned forward; I saw you in the same white nightgown I last saw you in. your face hasn’t aged. Your smile is still heavenly. I heart sank to the pit of my bowels as I whimpered out “Mommy”. I couldn’t run to you. My legs ran away but my heart-felt you. I was so afraid; it never felt like I was conscious.
It’s your birthday today; I have so much to tell you.
The hallucinations have stopped finally. I pass out at night sometimes and my dreams haunt me while my thoughts collect themselves. I’ve stopped floating down the rivers. I’m on dry land. Surrounded by dead leaves and stormy skies, I learned to sedate myself and succumb to the stress and things that constantly pester me. My heart has grown weaker, but I still hold you in the bruised aorta. I’ve let everyone trample my heart. It’s been filled with love and loathing it’s been abandoned and dropped unexpectedly.
I wrote you a poem a few years ago my handwriting was so sloppy I still could hardly decipher it, but it was for you so I took my time and tried to get it all decrypted and able for you to see.
I was so angry when your heart had burst
There were no tears until I saw your body
Afterwards it was within a hearse
All my sadness crept down my face
I hated everyone who had a mother and didn’t treat her with the utmost care
Because each mother is like no other
I used to want to take my own life
You didn’t want me to pay that price just for you
You visited me in my dreams and we’d chit chat by lakes
I’ve made countless mistakes
But for you my heart aches.
Before you left that night to the hospital I never got to ask you where you were going and if I could come with you. Often times it doesn’t feel like I’m awake. It feels like I’ve been dreaming but my eyes are always open searching for warmth.
May is always the hardest month because it coincides with: your birthday, grandma’s birthday and mother’s day. I’ve missed you this year more than ever.
It’s so cliché to sit around and talk about how life would be if you were around but I think about it often. I’ve matured more this year, I know who I am but I’ve yet to figure out what I want in life most.
Happiness isn’t a goal; I’m never going to strive for that.
I never told you what became of
the other family that I had discovered years ago.
They were adamant about being a part of my life at first. I was so excited. Then I became exacerbated. They were just full of tales taller than skyscrapers. They weren’t ever there. They weren’t around for my sister. She was more lost than I was when I finally met her. She had
Anguish in her eyes. She went to them for help they barely gave her what she needed.
She got better; she matured even more and became an amazing mother and an even better wife. She’s the only sister I have and the only one I appreciate.
She lost a child; no one was there for her from the family. I was infuriated. I didn’t need my eyes to see that they were all so hollow. They weren’t worth as much time as I thought. I have a strong distaste for them all now.
I had a dream I was dancing with you and I was tripping over everything because I didn’t know the steps. But I was dancing still because I was with you. Even if were just another part of my mind playing tricks on me
If time rewound its cruel hand and I could’ve saved you: even though that’s far-fetched maybe it was me that killed you, maybe it was my disobedience that stressed your heart, maybe it was all my fault and all I can say now is sorry. What if I could’ve saved you from everything and now all I have from you are a few dreams of mine where we sit and reminisce. I could’ve saved you. I should have been a better sun, I could have shined bright for you and made all the darkness flee. Then you wouldn’t need that medicine you’d just need big brother and I.
Maybe I’d be a better man and my heart would be warmer and my love the purest if I could’ve saved you as a child.
All these delusions of grandeur, I know you’re not coming back, I know that you’re going to stay buried beneath this ruined wasteland we all call home: but the kid in me still misses his mother and the man in me wishes he had been a better son.
I never told anyone how much I let the past get to me. How I used to want to do anything to be with you again. It all hurt me inside. I’ll never be with you again and time isn’t relevant to matters of the heart so I’ll forever miss you mother dearest.
I forgot to mention, my brother and I finally spoke of you. We haven’t talked about you to one another since we were kids. It’s like we were both just trapped in these boxes and we could see each other but we never took the time to vocalize what was on our hearts.
It was the highlight of this May. I was happy for a moment. May has been a whirlwind experience. I’ve just been destroying myself emotionally hoping that maybe someone would fix me because I’m just childish enough to believe that. Because I’m a little heartbroken still, and I’m a bit lonelier this month, all I wanted was for others to be happy, a distraction from the thoughts. Instead I just brought out the bad things. Everyone was angry at my words.
I gave up on my dreams I forgot to mention that to you. It takes so much to be an author to create artistic words good enough for anyone to admire. I know you want me to accomplish something, so do other people so I’ve been trying my best.
I’m sorry I haven’t made you proud yet.
I’ve wanted to talk to you, about the things I should’ve confessed, all the drugs, and violence, that gun, the fighting. All of the things that we both knew that I could’ve avoided but I was empty I was lost. Just excuses that will cover up that I wanted to be mildly lost in that degenerate life style because I wanted to be something else besides lost.
I never told you how I fell in love with every woman who smiled at me and filled my heart with little shimmering pieces of shattered stained glass. I’ve begun to run my course down this pathway directly above the dark pits of my thoughts. I’ve wanted to fill it with love but every attempt I make is rejected with harsh words so the pits get deeper. I didn’t need to chase. I found a few special women who filled me with joy and things that made my mind think of only the blissful moments. I still get insecure and don’t think I’m good enough for any woman but I feel like I could other them the world on a platter and a passionate love. Yet they’ve all ran their own directions, so my insecurities keep growing.
I’m really sorry for how these past few years have been. I’ve been through hell and back down again with the spirit of you attached to my heart. I keep you closer than anyone else. You’re in my thoughts and dreams.
I know you can’t forgive me, or my wrong doings. I write to you in hopes that you’ll see that I’ve been trying. You want what’s best for me you always have so I’ve been trying to become the best I can be and maybe I’ll start to forgive myself. I’ve never really talked in-depth about how things affected me.
That maybe I’ll make you proud.
Maybe you’ll love your son from six feet beneath this troubled earth.
I love you without: limit, space, or time.
I appreciate the life that you chose to give me and I will complete something, and I will do something that will make me shine bright enough to reach you wherever you roam and you’ll see my aspirations I still have Grandma and Torrey, I know they’ll help me make whatever my life is work.