unpublished throw away rant

Writing

You realize after a while that no matter where you go or what you become that position is just as temporary as your life.

I made decisions for myself, and I made it out of my head for a few days, I explored the world around me again, I stepped in the ring with my heart and boxed a few rounds and found myself fatigued and ready to toss the bloodied towel to the mat. What was the point of fighting with something that simply would never grow out of wanting to be wanted?

I’d like to think I’m smart, or that I at least have common sense of some degree. Yet I’m just as dumb and blasphemous as the next human being.

I have my fears which seem to grow more and more each day.

My insecurities which I tend to let show more than ever because I have no reason to hide anymore.

Now I’m just completely petrified that everything I want will just become another job. Another tedious and obnoxious task that I’ll become wound up over, I don’t want my passions to just become dreams again

I’ve been trying to create something memorable but all that’s came out is confused emotions that aren’t worth the time it took to write.

Look at this contorted pile of emotionally conflicted sentences.

I can’t even tell myself how I feel.

 

I’m angry, at myself.

This month is inconceivably bad.

My grandmother and I were at the tip of a cliff and both of our feet slipped and as we fell we just became infuriated that we were becoming infuriated.

 

I’m so afraid that everyone will leave, so I constantly questions loyalties because I’m just insecure about that, how can any of you think I’m a good person when I’ve done nothing for you.

I haven’t created a single thing worth admiring.

You’re all just blinded by the façade.

 

I thought being loved was what I wanted this year.

I thought being happy was what I wanted this year

Love and happiness aren’t goals, they are just things that fill the empty voids in your heart that are left by the mistakes that occurred in your childhood or by the people who have hurt you countless times over the years.

I’m trying to escape everyone: with the logic of birds migrating further north.

Deeper into my thoughts, right where I keep everything hidden

I’ve been right here, right where I’ve always been. I thought I was taking steps out of my mind but I’ve never left the safety of my own thoughts.

 

I’ve not made progress.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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