Opus, Part one

This treacherous year, it haunts me as I reminisce upon the seasons that I survived through. Caught in a whirlwind trying desperately to grasp at my identity, I’ve been lost in my insecurities and memories.

I promise I’m not this hostile, I’m not this dark, I’m not this lost, I’m not this person, I promise I know who I am aside from this dark demented persona I’ve been tossed in.

Empty promises, I’m a body of words that I hope mean something. I’m fearful that everyone will see the list of regrets I’ve written down and hidden away. This past year and throw salt in the wounds that have been left upon me.

 I’ve declined in rapport with the people that I claimed to be important to me. I started off twenty thirteen with my heart on the strings of a woman that I thought was my sun and moon. My bronze skinned lover an unrequited love: Unrequited on her part of course, my forbidden infatuations with her supple lips and lust filled voice. We built a history together. My bronze skinned love. My tender woman, she broke my heart as she tends to do. This time it was permanent. I’ll spend my lifetime getting over your treachery and my hopeless ambition to continuously adore you.  Years spent together in a false relationship that we built and enjoyed well were thrown away, it shouldn’t have hurt yet it tore my spirit in two. I lost words to say to her, I lost my vision of her. My heart was tossed into the ocean and my physical body was still on unstable ground that was all to change too soon.

My grandmother who I care for deeply began to fall ill her body grew tired and weak. We spent nights in the hospitals waiting for test results, her gently wrinkled skin that was wrapped perfectly around her warm fingers. Her hands felt cold those few days, my heart was beneath the ground: all I could do was panic silently and held my grandmother as she cried in fear and doubt. If I had a heart at that moment it would be breaking into pieces for the woman that raised me. I was so concerned about other matters to tell my grandmother about. Nervous ticks that seemed childish offered me solace in my worrisome frenzy I couldn’t stop tapping my leg or biting the lower part of my lip out of fear, I bit my lip as if it were my punching bag and my frustration could be lightened by the beating of it: I was kicked out of a college that was lackluster and held many students with subpar standards. How could I break that to my grandmother in this state that she resided in?  I was torn in pieces. I somehow stood by my grandmother as a perfect anchor. My heart was on red alert and within the haze of it everything began to fall to pieces. My eyes grew colder and lost the tender soul that was beneath them. I started to lose the boy that I held within me. I lost my heart, I lost my ambition.

            My mind state was in shambles I lingered around the corridors and sulked in the late night moon light that was in the corners of my crudely dismembered room. I distanced myself from my friends and cocooned myself in blankets heavy with misery. I spent hours on social networks speaking to myself about how sad I was. People questioned my sanity and well-being I evaded questions with witty rhetoric and promises of my better well being. I encountered a beautiful queen with great faith and a warm heart, she’s strong and outspoken. She brought her insight into my life even though she felt as if her world was crashing down upon her shoulders daily. She stood strong beside me through my feeble existence. The moon went through phases, the nights grew long and days short. I’m afraid. I’m absolutely terrified, this queen frightened me, I was afraid of her. She made me smile and laugh; she brought sweet moments to darker days. What would happen if she left, I tried to keep composed and push her away gently yet she grasped upon what was left of my heart and made me promises that she was here to stay.

I wanted her, even in this tortured state that I’ve been in. The newborn man that I’ve become, abandoning emotion and sense of direction I tossed myself into whatever dark thing I felt and attempted to find answers to my own questions after every trip down into my mind id come back with suitcases filled with forgotten memories. I spent days trapped in my mind tossing through my childhood memories and adolescent day dreams to find answers to the things I questioned as a man.

I grew frustrated with myself, home started to feel less like home and more like a place to simply lay ones head. So I ran away for a while, I ran away to the arms of my distant queen. I spent a week away from home spent with a brother that I found in a friend.

I met with my light in the dark and she spoke to me of how destructive this year has been she’s still the strong queen that I admire. I’m afraid to lose her, I’m afraid to grow old, I’m too scared to live my life, I’m to cowardly to run from it anymore, what is to become of a man without ambition and many fears? I embrace my insecurities.

I’ve been trying to find what this year has meant to me, it has been a failed lesson. I still don’t know what I truly want. I spent months on spiritual journeys trying to seek some answers that just led to it being another failed phase.  These phases I go through to conquer my devils were immense and futile.

I just abused the embrace of women and false spiritual journeys to try and conquer the deep lingering heart break I felt the whole year, not just heart break the distraught feelings.

When I came back from this week adventure away from home, I connected with a woman who was much like me and our values mimicked one another. I’m not aware of what the future holds: I’m not looking forward brightly in the future.

I’m just lazily drifting through the days waiting for someone to crash into me and knock me into a beautiful garden of wisdom.

I’ve lost my writing ability, I can’t find inspiration.  Maybe I’ve used up all of my talents as a writer.

Maybe my life ended in twenty-thirteen.

I’ve asked people what twenty-thirteen meant to them, they all said that it was a horrible year.

We all died maybe, we all are looking for the reality in our lives.

The future holds whatever I want it to hold for me, I know that it will hold more if I let go of my devils but they are a part of who I am as a person entirely.

I wanted to write about the person I hope to become and the way I desire things to be but I’m unsure on what I want.

Last year I wanted to find myself, instead I found my heart in other people and I abandoned spiritual person that I hoped to become. I lost myself to my fears and insecurities.


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