I’ve been trying to rush by the stop signs and halted traffic without taking a breath to reconcile my thoughts. I’m speeding down back streets and grinding my teeth against the tender flesh of my bottom lip. Headed onto a nervous system like freeway that I hope will have an exit toward happiness, the exit toward happiness is backed up by all of the people rushing toward it. Flustered and frantic as I try to rush my way into the exit hoping to find where happiness resides. I begin to slide into the exit’s curves and it shifts darker and signs read “pain” “agony” “fear” “pride”, traffic tries to speed past but the curves in the road are too steep and cause more jams and impatient people who get stuck upon agony.
I am stuck here as well. I never slowed down enough to analyze what I was biting at my lip for, what I was searching for. The door’s open in my room as I write this I don’t know if I should close it. Then I’ll feel like It’s a metaphor for me closing the door on who I am so I’ll probably lay here lost in these words attempting to find who I am again.
Truthfully my thoughts are in a traffic jam and I’ve just been rushing into the fray faster and faster hoping to reach happiness. The door is still open; I don’t know who I am. This writing I awkward I think I’m venting to myself. I don’t think I’m proud of myself neither have I ever been.
I’m really insecure lately, no I’ve always been insecure and I hide it well. I’m afraid of certain people in my life getting close to me. I really want to travel soon, I’m running out of places to call home and I’m missing who I was, I’m childishly trying to find home. I’m leaning toward the edge of my emotions and questioning all of my worth and being. Grandmother hasn’t been well, my hearts in the wrong places, I’m trying to convince myself I don’t love certain people anymore.
I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t love, that I don’t need. All the while I do. I’m ruining the person I could be. I’ve lost the will to care for who I could be. I’ve been confused on what I want, and knowing what I want. I still don’t know. I’m not going to try to figure it out. If I truly want it I’ll do whatever I need to, to get it. I’m trying to rush by all of this traffic, but I can’t.
I can’t go anywhere. I’ve got a few devils to tango with before I can get the flow of traffic steady or at least find whatever I’m looking for.