Void

Writing

Trying to piece together this life, puzzled by the madness of life I am stuck.

Trying to figure out if everything has been worth it, if I’m well enough off to tell you that I need a piece of mind; I need a shoulder to lean on or just something to make me cry. They say tears are the only real thing about people. Faked or not they are real, they are one of the truest things coming out of the human body.

Judging my past, hoping to find solutions within the problems of my past. The sorrows of now, of the present are so indecent and sorry.

Recently I wrote people I cared about apology letters because as I’m told by my family I’m unappreciative and I lack faith and honesty and I’m not worth the time people give me. I’ve started to believe it is true.

I haven’t amounted to anything within the past eighteen years, I have hundreds more to go so why should I think they will be good in any way?

Things will only get worse from this point on; I’m waiting for someone to tell me where I fit in. waiting for something to take the thoughts about away.

Living separate lives as I take mental health days away from it all. Lived life off of instinct, no thought just acting.

I think I’m happy, but then again.

I’m not sure what to think anymore.

These words being tossed at me as I catch them within the palms of my hands hoping they aren’t the terms of hatred I’ve disliked for eternities.

I sit upon my bed hoping that this all a daydream and that I’ll wake up with a deep void in my heart that I can fill up with false affections and abuse to my organs.

Yet I’m trying to move on away from that life, attempting to reconnect with my roots. Not the heritage I’m supposed to have. I want to reconnect with the person I want to be, I’ve changed so much that it’s getting hard to recognize who I’ve become.

I’m starting to think I’m growing up and I’m scared to.

I’ve spent too much time to myself yet the last thing I need is more ties to people, since all they ever will do is disappoint and hurt you. I’m eager to love though, and I don’t mind the company of a warm smile.

Sending time trying to fill a self created void with love I’m unsure of.

I’m afraid to look someone in the eye and tell them the things I’ve hid from them.

My eyes closed, blindfolded by the sincerity of my personality, when will I see again?

Sinking into a voided space that I’ve tattooed with sinful lullabies and sinister lies, but I still call it home and it’s where my heart resides.

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