May 29, 1967

I know you’ll never see this mommy. I want you to know that I miss you. The night you left this hellish earth, you had a date with destiny, your faith and your loving soul led you to a better place. I know I was never one to be a strong believer in religion or had faith in higher power. When you left my lack of faith grew. I was never one for crying, I didn’t want to seem so weak and foolish for crying. Shedding tears for you and remembering you as you were it always bring back this heart wrenching bittersweet sensation in my heart. I miss you; I always wonder what my life would be if you were still here with us, would my brother be how he is? Would I be who I am? Would I act how I act now? I know all of these questions I ask myself are just rhetorical and create a pain within myself, I find myself pondering why do I even ask them? What is the point of asking these what if questions? I know you’ll never come back I know that you won’t ever come visit me in my dreams.

I can feel it now, I can feel it coming right now, there is a dam breaking behind my eyes. The cracks are growing upward and the water behind the dam is slowly crashing against them.

But I won’t cry, while I’m writing this, I won’t shed anymore tears over the feeling of you being gone. I’ll shed tears over the fact that maybe you’re in a better place and one day I’ll follow in your steps and meet you up there.

Happy  Birthday

I love you Paulette Pugh,

With Love your son,

Derwin Misean Allen


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