Battling my own demons as the expectations set out for me is raised to a bar where I’m afraid I won’t reach. My mind is unruly; the goals I set out for myself are now accomplished. I’ve been through twelve treacherous years of school and changed thirty times over. I have become rich in knowledge in the eyes of teachers and parents. The people who knew me all know that I love writing, the knowledge that I obtained was never from the drab classes I attended but from the ones around me and my own experiences with the people around me. I’ve told so many people that I’ll always be there for them but how can I be there for them all when I’m never there for myself. I’ve become devoted to the lies I’ve told people as if they were a religion. I wrote riddles on the minds of the people as I became attached to them. I’ve been looking for some enlightened and metaphorical way to describe the feeling I have had these past few weeks. I have not come up with any. I simply feel alone in my endeavors. I feel sad that I’ve never see certain people again, I feel sort of torn between my friends. The ones who I’ve known the longest are slowly becoming strangers.
This is my senior year, this is it my last year of being in a prison where we are handed books full of depressing love stories or grime endings. Then we are forced to summarize and recite the books key points that seemed to be to no avail. The big events that everyone was so excited about failed to evoke euphoria within me, Homecoming? I never attended seasonal dances? I never attended plays and shows? I never attended. People made the biggest commotions about prom, the so called “greatest night of our lives”; it’s just a sweat filled, orgy of drunken teenagers. People asked “what’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you going? It’s your senior prom, you’ll regret it if you don’t go.” I simply shrugged and responded “my heart just isn’t in it, so I’m not going to force myself to go.”
Senior year has been everything I expected it to be the insurmountable climax of my grade school career. I’ve gained so much and lost as well. Friends have come and gone, choices regretted and words held in.
I am ready to leave it all behind and move on.