this is who I’ve become lately.

Writing

Looking deep down within myself, looking for ways to believe in myself people tell me that I’m something I don’t believe I’m not. It confuses me I feel like a simple person with honesty and a kind heart. Yet people call me something else. I tell them I’m not this. I just want to see the world happy and a smile upon everyone’s face. I’m not perfect, not a single human being is. We can all try to be better people at least. Yet we won’t because we are creatures of habits and creatures of informal ways and repetition.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me these past few days. My thoughts are conjoined at dark points and are slowly driving me into a place I don’t want to go, loneliness. I’d feel like a child again shedding tears over my pain and stressing. The pain is so familiar. It all hardly ever last anymore. Then why lately does it feel like its all becoming worse? I promised to myself no more pain, no more ignorance, no more falling for ones that will harm me.

My grandmother tells me to get down on my knees and pray and to stay humble, but I doubt he’ll even hear me. Who would listen to a wretched soul like me, whose life has been tedious and full of pain? Yet I can’t change a thing because I am weak. My grandmother once told me to wash away my sins, I washed my scrubbed as hard as I could but there are some things I can never wash away.

I feel so low at times that I feel the need to walk away from my life as if I never had a thing and forget it all and start over. Not to see if who cares, but to see if I could start a new life and maybe even change the way I am.

I feel alone lately, and I feel deaf to the words “I’m your friend” there are so many “friends” but who can you trust when you can’t trust yourself?

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3 thoughts on “this is who I’ve become lately.

  1. Never lose belief in yourself because once you do you begin to spiral into depression. Your family will always believe in you. I will always believe in you so when you start to lose hope belie in the you that I believe in.

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