chapter 8, indecisive ignorance

Writing

I’m trapped within a new home. A new discovery that is amazing to me. My dreams are my reality, I am alive. I am smiling with meaning. The meaning behind my mile is happiness and joy. This place is beautiful; there is neither pain nor a burden to carry upon my weary back. A beautiful girl who is in love with me and sees the man within the dark monster that lies within the words that I speak. I don’t have to fight with the monster within because there is no anger to feed his insatiable hunger. Everything is as it should be, I’m happy the world is calm. My mind is free. Sooner or later, I’ll have to land from this trip. I’ll have to awaken my mind from this blissful trance. There are vivid pictures painted upon these lilac plants, pictures of passion and love. I repeat to myself that I’m feeling alright that the worries of whether or not I’m going to make something of myself is thudding loudly across the sky dropping bomb destroying the lush hills around me. I need to fall deeper into the trance, I’ll close my eyes drag harder let the music resonant through my heart and I’ll be at peace just for a while I’ll be alright.

For a while my mind is quiet and all that is heard is the birds chirping and wind blowing by, I don’t remember her name but her lips were perfection and her smile was amazement to the site of a mortal man. A goddess in her own way, she sat beside me counting the stars that flew across the skies as time was drawn slowly from the veins of reality. She counted I watched her count and smile. I found bliss in the insanity of my reality, yet something isn’t right. The music stops and my eyes awaken to what really is in front of me and the silence of my thoughts is shortly lived. They resume, whispers in my own voice and screams of indecisive ignorance.

“Shut the fuck up” I’m speaking to myself as if the voices in my head were separate people but they are my own. Modeled after the people who want me to be something they believe I could be. I want to be a writer. They want me to be an all-star football player, better yet an amazing doctor who will find the cure to an unknown disease. I want to be a psychologist; I love the human mind I want to journey into the deepest thoughts and find the scariest visions from others and see that I’m not alone when I feel as if there is a monster inside of me. They all want me to be a business man. I don’t know any other ambitions to chase. My mind is hazy and rambunctious.

Right now I’m trying to live but it’s all so hard when your dreams are the only reality you want to live in.

I think that I’m wrong for not having any plan on what I’m going to do with my life while all of these people have such faith in me.

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