the verge

Writing

I’ve been stuck in this illusion of where that if I look into the outside world I’d see the life I could have but lately all I have been seeing is a constant glare back at my life. I have been stuck on the edge of this gorgeous cliff, lying to myself that it is all alright, that maybe if I just keep going along with it all that it’s all okay. That the feeling that my best friend is constantly smoking his life away every morning and evening to numb his pain, and I can’t speak two words to him kills me more than anything. The sickening feeling where he is wasting his life; in the dark hazes and moments where his only joy is when he is above the clouds, yet his feet are forever grounded by his weak mentality thinking that the only way to make it in this world is if you go alone. It makes me so feel so weak. I can’t make him feel any better about his mother or the fact he feels alone in his own home. I’m just a coward who can’t take his own teeth off his tongue long enough to spit out the words that he needs. Maybe if I jump off this cliff I’ll land in a pool of warm salted water. Where the water will land on my grandmothers smooth toned skin and she’ll stroke the back of my head and tell me it’s all alright. Lately I’ve feared that she isn’t going to do the same anymore I fear she’ll just tell me “hey, that’s life. Go deal with it.” I’m afraid to grow up because I’m not ready for the world ahead of me I know I’m not worth a damned thing but I try so hard and I try so to be someone for my grandmother and my family. I want to just write something so extravagant that I’ll never have to try so hard to keep the world around me happy. I want to write something so touching that the heart of the girl I want the most will fall into my lap and tell me that she is infatuated with me as much as I am with her. That my soft words and poetic whispers will make her feel the same, maybe then I’ll find some type of amazing love and truth in her soft eyes. No, blissful ignorance within my own fantasy where I believe she’s mine. I’m trapped in some lullaby fantasy world where I am upon a throne of endless knowledge. A self made monster full of the wisest words and cruelest self destruction. I’ve trapped myself in a paradoxical world where I try to relinquish my pains to the highest of highs. Making promises to my own heart saying that I’m alright when in all honesty I’m simply a boy trapped to on a bus ride through my own soul. The bus ride I entered as a child and slowly grew but till am a just a child and haven’t grown emotionally as much as I should have. I’m on the verge of jumping from this cliff. Pressures from my family to go to colleges that I don’t want to attend, I’m ready to take the plunge into this pool yet I don’t allow myself to, I’m stuck on this girl still. I don’t need to be but I want to be loved and adored as much as anyone else but yet I am unwanted and unneeded. I am simply heard as I scream from the top of my lungs at the edge of this cliff. I am screaming loudly with no mouth.  I am afraid to speak in a world full of judgment so the screams are trapped within my mind airtight

I want to be free of it all, so I’ll write myself hate letters until I can find some reason to not blame myself for my problems.  Letters filled with the reasons why I am alone, the reasons I am the way I am and the reasons I accept the person I am. I only wish to find a peace and happiness in my life. I feel as if I am growing up and still haven’t gotten off of the bus, just transferred to a larger bus to carry all of my stress.

I’m having a hard time adjusting to life, so I think ill jump off the cliff soon.

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