Breakdown

Writing

Long lost memories that evoke warmth down the cheek of a man with a beautiful view of the vile world, breakdowns and poetic rhythms: joyful voices in a grayed out world. What are the necessary ingredients for the ending product of a breakdown? I don’t know I just know what it feels like. It feels like all of the angels and demons that are debating thoughts for you are fighting and scratching at one another. I don’t know how to fix the problem but I can make you feel better. Just maybe, just if you believe in me and give me a chance I know that I can’t save everyone from the problems but at least I can try to ease your pain. I’ve been through breakdowns as well. Every time I’ve broken down I’ve felt like a piece of me was alleviated from my spirit but I’m left with a question of burden. Why does it have to be this way? Why does no one help me like I’ve helped them? Hoping to make the world stop, I lift my spirits up high with words that start from the bottom of my heart to the top. Hoping to find a resolution to the insanity that is life and all of the hypocrisy in this world all I’ve been trying to do is leave. Leave a mark upon someone’s life. Thinking if I do I won’t be so sad, or alone. I’ll make everyone proud. I won’t breakdown anymore. I say those four words, yet I’m so afraid to face my fears. I’ve been trying to find who I am all these years, wrapping myself within a cocoon that no harm could breach. At least I thought so. All it did was create a place for me to look at myself and see what I could become, and who I should be. I’m still looking for who I am but it’s so complicated to find yourself when all you have around you is people pushing you upon a bike you aren’t ready to ride, so you struggle and you’ll fall you’ll get back up but they’ll push you again instead of letting you walk. Knees scrapped, tiny scars will remain but all of these people just push you making the scars deeper and wider. I want to turn to them and scream “let me make my own choice!” but I know that they’ll just give me a guilt trip deeper than a black hole. My knees are bloodied and I’m holding back tears, I’ll never learn a single thing this way but they continually push me so I can make them proud of whom they created. I just want to learn to ride through life on my own.  Fuck this bike, I’ll walk soon once I heal my wounds and tell these people that I will be alright if they just let me walk. All of the stress and pain is causing me to hold in all my emotions. I feel like I’m about to shatter into pieces and once I do all of the feelings inside of me will evoke pity from the people pushing me. At the most they’ll understand what I’m going through, at the least they’ll keep forcing me on a bike and rushing me to places I’m not ready for. I know I can’t be the smartest or the best, so don’t expect the world of me when I haven’t experienced it all yet. Let me live.

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