I want you to know that I haven’t been the best son, but I’m trying to do what’s right in the world.
I’m trying my hardest to be someone to be someone other than another problem on the streets; I’m trying to be a man.
You couldn’t teach me much the time you had with me, but you showed me all the love in the world.
You showed me that my brother was always going to be my best friend, you showed me how to be smart, how to read.
Things got stranger over the years; we started spending more time with our grandmothers, you were stressing out more.
We went to church less. You started dieting. We started worrying.
One night, we heard you in your room. You were tossing things at the closet doors; the things you tossed were odd things you found, a lamp, a shoe, anything you could throw.
It was midnight I couldn’t sleep, but big brother could. I heard loud thumping from your room.
I was scared so I woke my brother and we went in your room.
All we saw was you sitting on the edge of your bed; you look flustered, angry, in pain and sick.
We called out to you “mommy, mommy”.
You pushed us back into the corner and we watched you throw things, we saw a bloodied tampon upon the floor. In a shortness of breath you told us to call grandma.
When we called her, we explained everything.
She said “call the ambulance, I’ll be there shortly”
The ambulance came, so did grandma, we didn’t say anything we just cried and went with grandma down stairs to a friend’s house.
The Days went on and on, no one told us what was going on.
You didn’t’ come home, we never got to see you.
We didn’t know the situation.
Then suddenly, you passed away.
The news was received from grandma who was with you when you passed away.
They said that a blood clot was in your leg and that it slowly moved to your heart and killed you,
They brought you back but you ended up passing away.
We cried, I felt alone, I didn’t want to be without you now mommy.
I thought it was my fault for being a bad son, I thought that I made the blood clot happen.
I never got to tell you how much I loved you and how much I was going to miss you over the years.
The schools day didn’t even matter to me anymore, we had counselor sessions with a pregnant consoler who didn’t do a thing, and she couldn’t console the pain I felt I didn’t express it.
We moved with our grandmother months later to a new home.
I didn’t want to go to school anymore, so I stayed home for days and days.
One day I got tired of being called an orphan.
I was never an orphan I was always your son.
Sometimes I’d have dreams about you.
When you were around I was always smiling, now that you’re gone I’m seeing the darkness in the world.
You were gone when I was 7, I’m 17 now.
I’ve grown up; I’ve learned a lot of lessons on my own.
I know you aren’t proud of the things I’ve done but I’m doing this all to try and find the man that I can be.
I don’t like the darkness inside of me but I’ll explore it so I can grow stronger and wiser.
I used to feel like you were missing me growing up; I’ve gotten a lot taller than the last time mommy.
They say you’re looking down on me and with me forever, but sometimes I dream about you and that we are all together. Just the 4 of us; Big brother, Grandma, You and I maybe I’d be happier.
What if you didn’t die that night? Maybe I wouldn’t have killed myself off and started to mature too fast.
Whatever things that would’ve changed I don’t care I miss you more and more every day.
Just know that I love you and miss you.
Sincerely, Your Youngest Son
Derwin M. Allen
P.S I love you with all my heart and soul, and will forever love and miss you until I am no longer alive, You were older as of yesterday happy birthday