The night is cold the air is too, footsteps are all that is heard. The rain starts to pitter-patter on the streets and the wind cuts the air. A gentle rain starts to fall, my body shivers softly as I start to walk out into the rain my body covered by clothing and a hood. The rain cold and the wind colder, my breath starts to show as I release a big sigh of thought. My hands in my pockets my head covered and my legs moving forward. All my thoughts were just about her, and how I wanted her, just her “Gah, why must I be such a asshole” my thoughts came to words when it came to her, all I could do was feel sorry that I couldn’t be there, feel sorry that I couldn’t hold her close to me when I was cold as I was now, how sad a man of 17 in love and walking the streets at night in the rain at 2am. What a tragedy, but sadly this isn’t Romeo and Juliet. This is nothing; this is my mind, my thoughts, my feelings. All of these things should make my story something people would read one day and think “Wow now that’s just something amazingly fucking stupid”. Let me stop digressing, my name is Allen Monroe Dubois the Second, and I am love with a girl who lives miles away, how is this possible? Well it is something called a meeting that changed everything. I was 16 and she was 15 we met at a party one night, she came into the door like something out of a movie, and all I could do was sit there, and imagine myself drooling over her beauty, her eyes her beautiful her face was just amazing, and she looked at me and smiled. I was too much of an idiot to not make a move. I went up to her and told her my name and after that she told me hers, as she did all I could do was watch her lip slowly utter her beautiful name with a cute voice as they said “I’m Andrea, nice to meet you” I stood there smiling like an idiot and just couldn’t help but stare at her eyes. She was the most beautiful girl id seen. And for all I knew she was perfect, right then and there I wanted her, I wanted to kiss her full, plush lips. I just wanted to kiss her neck and make her moan out; I wanted to make the sweetest love to her, sweeter than I have ever done before. I just wanted her so badly, but sadly I was taken by the most amazing girl ever! She is just the best, can you feel my sarcasm? I know it is quite amazing, at the time I was dating the most stereotypical white gangster girl ever, just thinking about her makes me want to just shoot myself and scream, “your not a gangster!”, she was one of those girls who just listened to too much rap music and thought she was the best, and she only liked me because of my British accent, did I forget to mention I am British? My apologies. But now back to the story, this girl who I was dating, and this gangster girl. She was the most saddening and depressing person, so she was perfect for me. Because that was me as well, a self loathing, intimate asshole, sometimes a sex addict, a drinker and partier. I hated my life but oh well, sometimes I liked it I only liked it when I was with Her, That beautiful girl that temps my body and mind so much. As we continued to talk my mind is only focusing on her lips and how much I want to kiss them as she tells me about her life and her sisters and all, all that plays in my mind is her lips on mine, her body on mine. It is all I wanted it is all I needed, in my heart I knew she was mine and I wanted her so damn badly. That night she looked at me with a curiosity in her eye and said “Allen? You aren’t talking much are you okay?” I replied without a thought and said “I am too busy admiring and thinking of your body and how I want to appreciate it.” “Oh really now?” she says, “Yes really.”; “well then I’ll have to let you appreciate it some when this party is over”. At that moment I knew she was perfect, she was kind and sweet but also had a kinky side, I couldn’t help but kiss her after she said that, it was the most amazing kiss I’ve felt ever, her lips were so soft and sweet tasting they felt so soft on mine, and her skin as I touched her arm was so smooth and soft almost like touching silk itself, all I could do was think about how amazing her entire body felt. But then I stopped, a thought rushed to my head, about my “gangster” girlfriend and how she would feel seeing this, or hearing it from her friend Phil, who I will never ever forget because she gave him head in my car. She thinks I don’t know she sleeps around but I choose to stay silent so I don’t have to deal with the whole “ I’ve been fucking this guy and that guy, and I can do way better than you” as she is saying that I will just yawn and mimic her mouth with my hand and walk away. But then I told Andrea to wait and I would be right back I had to go handle something.
I left to go to the door and I opened it and there she was, in her signature hat and tank top, my slutty girlfriend. She was here to do what I had already planned to do so she made it easier on me, I simply said “oh you’re here this makes it easier for me to say this you’re a whore I really hope you choke on the next dick you suck, and by the way I just broke up with you.” As I said all of that Andrea stood there laughing softly to her. And then something I never thought would happen, my girlfriend, a whore begins to beg for forgiveness. All I could do was kicking close the door in her face. I grabbed Andrea by the hand and took her away from the party and that was our evening. That is how we met.
But look at me now, sad and walking in the rain, alone, thinking where did I go wrong.
I am just so far gone, so far from the thought of leaving here, I am just so far from the idea of me marrying her that idea set in stone scares me I am just so scared so commitment I am just a coward, but we aren’t getting married were not even close to that. All these months together sharing smiles and laughs together and she disappears. One thing my mother told me before she died was never ask permission but for forgiveness for what you are about to do, I said to myself “forgive me mum, I am about to do something stupid again” I got into my car, with so much on my mind. All of these thoughts and fears in my mind. All I could do was just drive as fast as I could, the engine of my car rumbling harder than a stampede, my hands clenching the steering wheel tightly, I felt like a drag racer racing against nothing. What I was driving toward I didn’t know, but all I know is that my heart hurts, and my body aches and my legs are tightening tighter from me shifting the gears so angrily. I pushed the accelerator harder rushing my car to 129 miles per hour, everything rushing by me, the trees the houses none of it mattered anymore. It was all fucking shit in the path of what I was after, not Andrea, not Gangster Girlfriends something much more selfish something so stupid I don’t even want to know what led me to it, but I do I know what led me to it, I broke her heart. I did it I killed my own heart by breaking hers. It is all because of that damned day. And as my mind starts to fall on the reason to all of this madness, a sense of reason comes to me, a reason to this madness, and madness to my reason. The reason to it all was nothing, I no longer wanted to think I pushed my car to its limits and charged for the end of the unconstructed bridge as hard as I could and jump. For once in my life I closed my eyes and listened to the still and silence of life right before the crash of pain and resolution.
My eyes didn’t open again my ears didn’t hear anything anymore. My body no longer felt, all that was left was the sound of my car, steaming and shutting down slowly, All of this stillness because I couldn’t listen, because I couldn’t realize something because I couldn’t realize her feelings because I kept pushing her away all of this because of my Fear.
A sound awakened me, the sound of a helicopter flying over head, the sound stirs my blood and I move my hands to open the door and my body feels so tired and useless right now. I take a step out and a booming voice hits my ears, “Are you alright, Sir?” I just simply nod my head in a yes motion. Ignoring the copter I start to walk toward a door on top of the roof and walk my way down the stairs they led to, clenching my stomach I start to cough, I felt like shit. But my mind just told me to go so I did.
After a few good flights I finally make it to the ground floor. A door keep looks at me in shock, and stares at me. I give him a look of curiosity, and ask him “so what’s the damage?” he simply hands me a mirror and I see blood trickling down my forehead and a minor cut on my cheek. “Eh nothing serious to worry about mate will be okay” I walk out of the building sticking my hands in my pocket and I stumble and I bump into this slender, pale and busty woman. And she looks at me and is scared and punches me, too weak to keep balance I fall down, she starts to panic and grabs me by the arm and checks for my pulse. “You didn’t kill me lady, you just punched me really hard. Got to admit that was a strong punch” she smiled and introduced herself, “Sorry about that, a woman alone at night is not good, I was startled by you, my name is Aileen. Why are you out so late little boy?” “Eh? Little? That is offensive but I’m in no mood to fight so ill just tell you what I am going through.” I told her my story she was shocked and slightly intrigued. After I told her my story she picked me up off the ground and walked me to her place, there she patched up and cleaned my wounds, she then told me that I should go after Andrea and try and patch things up. All I can remember is having a slight spark of love for Aileen, she made me feel loved and she nurtured me and treated me kindly even though she barely knew me. I smiled and said “thanks love, I ‘preciate this.” She said “anytime Allen, just stay away from cars for a while, okay?” I smiled and said “yeah ill try my best to not get in one.” She laughed and hugged me, as she did I smelled her black hair and felt her skin on mine, she was soft and smelt of strawberries. I inhaled her scent and held it in my nose as we hugged. After that embrace I felt like I could one day love her. But in my head I knew she would never like me I am only 17 and she’s 22.
The Morning came, and I started my walk home, as I walked down the street I got strange stares and looks from all around people looking and peering at me like I was crazed, even though I hugged, Aileen my mind still was with Andrea, no matter how hard I wanted to think of someone else all I could do was think of her and her amazing smile and laugh, and soft voice. In my head all I could was replay that smile on my face went I hugged Aileen, it is a bad smile. My heart is on Andrea, yet my mind falls on Aileen. I shouldn’t even be thinking this way Andrea is my world and nothing’s going to change my world. I let my thoughts of Aileen and I smiled widely as I thought of Andrea, and holding her close to me, I started to smell a stench and then I realized I was holding a homeless man. I immediately let him go and started to wipe my body off from his dusty and nasty jacket. I panicked that I may have caught of some type of weird disease from his “homelessness”
The homeless man I had knocked down stood up and started to rant at me about how he would “show me a trick” if I gave him some money to get some food. I had a feeling he was going to try and suck my dick. I immediately frowned at him and ran away like a man on speed, hopefully he wasn’t. He ran after me laughing and taunting me, he started to shout “come back I am not really homeless”, I turned around and said “prove it then” he simply showed me his suit and his wallet and I.D. I was convinced and I started to turn around and ask him why he was dressed as a homeless man, and he told me he does it for a joke of some kind. I immediately wondered what kind of sick fuck does this and he told me this “I do it because I am rich and nothing to do” I immediately let my jaw drop and just stood there like a baffled child without his “lolli” I simply told him, “how are you rich with nothing to do that’s impossible.” “Yeah, yeah, cars, clothes and, women, I have all of that but no happiness.” He replied. “So you prance around like a bum to scare people?” he laughed and shook his head, “this is for fun, it is my only joy.” I felt bad for him. He offered to walk with me as we walked he told me of his family, him of mine. He has this amazingly beautiful sister named Ruby, I saw a picture of her and she was something special beautiful soft face and shaped like a Greek goddess I was sure she was taken, he told me no. I was happy and anxious I was ready to meet her, ready to love again. He stopped me as I was smiling and looked at me with a curious grin. “You think you have a chance with my sister?” “Yes I do, I deserve someone, as sweet and kind and beautiful as you describe her, do I not?” “You do but you don’t know her that well.” “Let’s give fate a chance here and take a wild shot, you never know she could be my wife one day.” I was over; I was finally over all of the dramatic Andrea stupidity. She will understand that we can be friends but I’m sure she has a boyfriend already.
That next morning my new found friend and I met up and he walked me to his car, it really was something beautiful. An Aston Martin, leather interior and the works. One thing crossed my mind, how I didn’t know this guy’s name and he didn’t know mine, I approached him and said “ We’ve been talking all this time and have yet to know each other’s names, I’m Allen And you are?” “I’m Rick.” “Pleasure to meet you, mate. So where are you we headed?” He simply told me to jump in the car and to just let him drive me to meet his family. Apparently they were having a good old cook-out. I was really hungry I hadn’t really eaten in about a day or so.
As we arrived at his home, there were kids chasing each other shooting one another with water guns, and teenagers on the porch talking about how “Lame” the party was and how they wished to be out with their friends. As we pulled in the drive-way I saw, she, this amazingly beautiful girl it was her, it was Ruby. She was coming out of the house in her shorts and a tank top and gave her brother a big hug as she ran to him for the hug, her hair moved with the wind and her smile stunning as she saw her big brother. She saw me getting out of the car and looked at me and just smiled and gave me a hug as well, she smelled of a sweet flowery scent like a fresh rose picked from a bush, her skin was so soft it made me just want to never let go, I almost didn’t I wanted to hold her there, in my arms forever. I wanted her to be mine. She looked at me with a curious smile, similar to her brothers.
She said “Nice to meet you Allen, I’m Ruby,” I smiled and said “Pleasure to meet you, love”
I kissed her hand and she giggled and pulled it away and pulled me into the house and showed me around, I felt like I had known this girl for so long like I could tell her anything. She laughed and sat me down on the couch in the family room and introduced me to her animals she had cats and dogs. I didn’t pay attention to their names, only her cute voice as she spoke.
Her animals were quite dumb and didn’t matter to me all I cared about was Ruby at that moment the way she spoke made me think of Andrea and she was so much like her even her hair flowed like hers and I knew that she was the one not Ruby but Andrea.
“Have you ever dreamed in pure enigmatic bliss” a voice says to me as if speaking from experience. I turn my head around and I say a simple no. I stare into the persons gray clear eyes, full of wisdom and sorrow. Their eyes seemed to share endless pain and yet such joy in speaking.
I didn’t take the time to ask who they were or what their name was, I simply listened to them babble on about their past and how they had it all back in their day. All I could think in my head was “older people love talking about back in their days, I wonder what mine will be like.” As I said that, he said his name. “I am Julian, Julian Heeding.” “Pleasure to meet you” I respond; before I can add my name, he says “I already know who you are, Allen.” His gray eyes pierced my soul as if they had known all there is about me and all there is about my past days, my meetings with people, my constant screw ups, was he me? Could he be an older me? My mind was pondering again. I sank into his eyes, my mind was on its own adventure, and as if my body had sunk and all that was left was just my point of view, no breathing, no sight. Darkness surrounded me and he says “Can we take a journey?” my eyes widen immediately and I see him staring at me waiting for a response I nod in silence. Wide-eyed and intrigued I listen to him tell me of his exploits, his promiscuity and his time with family. He described his family as hectic and gruesome. He said his mother was a vicious using woman. His father was a beast like man when drunk which he said he always was, he called his father “ Mister Rager” as his nickname, he called him this because he was always raging and ranting about something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. I chuckled as he told me of his father’s endless rants and things. As I chuckled I stopped caring all of a sudden, as if I didn’t even want to talk to him anymore a switch within me wanted to shout “shut the heck up, I really don’t give a damn!” I don’t know what made me feel this way but I just felt that way.
Maybe it was the fact that I wanted to be something or someone else at the time, maybe I wanted to be the man with all the stories and the wisdom, maybe I wanted to tell of my own redemptions and past. Maybe I just didn’t care. Was this envy? I can’t understand it. I stood and walked away, I left him alone and he said no words he just looked as I walked away and reclined back into his chair and returning to his previous state of silence. Unbeknownst to me I just walked into Rick, and he just stared at the back of my head and said “Hey are you alright?” I replied “Hm? Yeah I’m alright I’m just sort of out of myself right now, you know what I mean? I feel like I am not me I just feel like I don’t belong anymore like I just don’t fit.” He replied under his breath “yeah, I can relate. When I think about my life and how I feel so miserable even though I have so much. I’m just an isolated man on an island of people, I open up to no one.
Wonder why the lone wolf never runs with its clan? Jealousy? Envy? Purpose? Power? Freedom? Most importantly the lone wolf trust only instinct, he trusts no entity. The wolf trusts only his paranoia and his senses. Lone wolves are like those old samurais you always see them alone yet so powerful and free to do as they please but they do it for a reason they do it for their country and their pride. The sword I carry is drenched in the blood of not my enemies but of my past lovers.
As the walk I suddenly take continues on and on I don’t understand my purpose for leaving or why I feel such a sadness in me but it is there, right there in my heart. As it beats and churns there is a darkness surrounding it and engulfing it waiting for me to save it and yet I can’t. Did that man’s story change me? What am wrong with me why am I feeling so fucked up?
I start to lift my legs higher and push them against the concrete jungles hard cold ground and as I do a rain starts to fall. Gentle, cold and miniscule. My arms and legs are thrown back like they are made of weights and pressed down hard as if to be weighted so much and then my body accelerates forward moving fast enough to drag me into a corner where I see nothing but darkness. I was no samurai or a lone wolf. I was simply a little boy in a man’s mindset trying to be someone, trying to live a life only a man could.
Why did I feel such away? Was there something within my heart that had been triggered, as I begin to think I stand in the alley’s damp moist walls and I fall to my knees as if to give in to the city’s pressure? Could something in this alley’s darkness save me from what was inside of me or explain my pain? My sword dropped onto the ground and I just keeled there as if I was powerless and saying “I quit.” I wanted nothing more in this world; all I wanted all I ever truly needed was an ear to listen to me and a mouth to advise me. I got neither I simply got petty lies and simple cheats on how to ruin you. I wish, I ponder, I dream of nothingness. As I dream another person’s sword swings across my darkness and shines brightly within my soul. Whose blade is this? Who is as bold enough to enter my mind, this place of darkness and solemn pain? Was it Ruby? Was it Rick? Someone’s words entered my soul and brought my light and enlightenment. I fell to my hands and knees and I wept, I wept for all of the lovers I had crushed the hearts I had broken I wept for my own sanity and how I was losing it. Distant cries of “please” and “why” echo within my mind, as I see the flashes of my lovers past. Is it possible for angels and humans to exist on the same level? Or are the blessed too high to fall and not be injured? Am I a demon for seeing the darkness and having it as my cloak and my cape? Am I a maniac or a fool? I open my eyes and the only words I hear are “raise boy!” as if some condescending male is ruling my world. I simply turn my head with a wicked grin and I stand and slouch and I laugh as if my brain is not my own and I look at the man and I say “Are you my god?!? You can not condemn me or uplift me” he looked at me as if he had lost his own words inside of his fist as he balled it. He charged toward me and as his arm extended and struck my face, I realized I was just being irrational and over thinking things, then something clicked in my mind was this man my sword? I need to get it through my head that not everyone is my savior or even my friend.
That man’s fist, it had the sting of a man’s pride scorn. I looked at him as if he was a ghostly figure, I crawled away and stood and ran away. I run into this coffee shop and I flop down at a table not noticing the cute girl sitting there already. She looks at me and becomes wide-eyed and says “Well seems like you’ve had a great day so far there haven’t you buddy?” Her hair was lightly colored it reminded me of the horizon during dawn, and how I wanted to meet my love on the other side of that horizon. I simply smile at her and chuckle lightly and say, “Just another average day in my world ya know?” Her eyes widen as she softly says “I’m Maisy, and you are?” I reply with my name as I notice her petite figure and her light hair and bright eyes. She had this energy about her as if she was stuffed full of candy and spun around in skin and muscles; even though she was as light as feathers it looked like.