January 14, 1994 1:48pm
I am born, I am breathing. I am held. There is blood coming from my mother, sweat runs down her face. My Father is there, my grandmother is eyeing him, her eyes of suspicion. Eyes of filled with images of daughter and lover, in her bed laying there. I hold the keys to the future of my world right?
My mother is dead, her stopped as mine did the moment I heard the news. The spark of a nerve from ear to heart to tear duct. My eyes close and I push away the memories to my brain where I can’t reach them. The dark clothes full of pain, and sorrow. The small face of a young me. Unmoved by the sad words the pastor speaks, unmoved by the warm hand of my aging grandmothers hand on my back, unmoved by the tissues moistened with sad tears and love. They open the casket, I am asked if I want to see the casket I say no and look down at my shoes. The lights flicker and go out, we are smothered in warm air and opened doors. The power returns I walk up to the casket my grandmother comes behind me, I hold her hand as tight as my little body can hold it, I look at my mother one last time, all I see are closed eyes, motionless limbs, no smile on her face, just a blank expression. I reach to touch her face, my grandmother tells me not to but I must I have to, I have to know. I felt her soft untouched skin and I felt the cool touch of death. And my face warms and my knees weaken. I wanted to say good-bye. I wanted to tell her I loved her again. I blamed myself, my hard-headedness I couldn’t stop my rivers flow.
March 7, 2002
Gunpowder scents and stopped hearts. My father has just committed suicide. His last phone calls made, his last words of love said, his last farewell said. I am his son, I am his legacy. He is now dead.
I try to play the moment of death in my head, but I cannot fathom it.
They say his lover, his lover moved to Texas with him past the mountains of Georgia, to Texas, where she told him sweet lies of marriage, Lies proven by his heart break, she was married and was playing with his heart. You see world, You are no good. You contain people who will string along men and women’s hearts. And the results are devastating.
A broken hearted family, puzzled and lost on why, tears unending. I am his namesake now
I am He
I decided to finally man up at 17, and learn to do things differently.
I am ready to become someone of importance to someone and the world.
I am in love with how I feel, I am stupid. I am confused. I am alone in my thoughts and mindset.
I don’t know what to do with myself any further
I don’t know what to do to save my grandmother from this dilemma.
I am alone, I am human, I am scared. I am loved, I am sailing away.
January 14, 1994 1:48pm