Learning to Swim

Writing

There was a body in the ocean, lifeless and motionless.
There was a piece of sunflower shaded paper on its back.
I can’t swim out to save the body or the note.
I don’t know what to do; I stare at the body hoping that it will come to me as if my mind could bend physics.
If I could move the heart of someone or something, maybe I wouldn’t be sitting on this island thinking about how I could save the body that was surrounded in depths of pure blue.
The waves didn’t flow; they were dead in motion as much as the body was.
There was no wind in the air, the leaves on the grey dying palm trees around me didn’t shake in joy in the wind.
Why should I drown myself to save another who is already dead?
I have been too kind, too sweet to the world.
What affect will I have on this world when no one gave a damn?
I stand upon the warmed burnt sand of tan, it feels like salt.
The sun is pulsating down on my skin, so my eyes are closing slowly to hide away from the judgment the sun brings. The sun judges your patience and your tact. I was tired of being judged so I hide in the darkness of my mind.
This island is perfect for me silent and desolate, there is no one here for me to fall for when I know I’ll have no chance, and there is no judgmental sun, there are no people.
Just me, and my drowning childhood in the water, I put my legs ahead of me and I jump into the motionless sea, it feels warm and accepting, maybe I was meant to be in the ocean.
I kick my legs and swing my arms; I am finally swimming away to something that could make sense.
I reach my childhood; its physical state is a simple boy with no face and no movement.
His arm grasp my collar, his mind speaks to me it says
“You’ve learned to swim, now swim to something better and get off this island.”
I don’t listen to him, I feel safer in here.
There is no safety left here, this childhood I once had is slowly starting to affect my mind.
I think about the girl I want, I think about all of the passion we could’ve had.
I don’t want that because I know I’m got good enough.
I know I’m imperfect I know that I can’t please her, not physically and all I could do was try to find words to say to impress her and to make her feel like she was beautiful because she actually is.
Childhood is above me, telling me that I need to take this slower and to just be yourself.
If he is me then what is he saying he knows nothing of relationships and how to think about things in the actual sense.
Shouldn’t my only problem be death?
My mother and father are already dead; their son is already dead inside, they were never together they just made hot tangled passion on my grandmother’s bed and I was conceived.
What a fantastic way to come into this hell.
The ocean is draining, I hold onto the childhood I had, he has helped shaped me so I want to take him with me wherever I go.
The ocean is draining faster and faster, a tornado of emotions and water wraps around me.
We fall through space and time, there is blackness and then there is a smell of sunflowers and burning flesh.
My childhood is fading from my grasps, he kicks my chest down ward and I fall through white fluffs of clouds.
I don’t want to come down. Maybe it’s for the best I come back down to earth.
I don’t want to seem like I am better than anyone, I know I lack the depth to impress anyone.
But fuck it; I just hope the sun stops judging me for once.
The sun has many faces, and many voices all the same judgmental conversations with me.
This is my mind kicking me out, maybe I thought too much and finally I got tired of myself.
The clouds feel good against my skin as I fall through they are cold and soft, I am engulfed into a ball of flame but I can’t feel it’s heat, I turn and close my eyes, and then I just accept whatever is coming next.
I accept it because I just want to watch the sunset with her.
But honestly I don’t have a chance in the world.
Because I don’t know how to properly love someone but its okay, right?
All I have to do is be me, right?
Maybe I should be a vile asshole and call her a slut and treat her like she is what I call her.
But she is not so I will call her what she is truly amazing.
All of this just to swim to something better.

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