Happiness

Writing

I bet you have never seen a man fly, no wings needed any jets.

The man is simply flying and floating away into the horizons of his loves heart.

I guess I have never felt these emotions: love, intimacy, passion.

I used to believe that I didn’t feel these things because; I was left alone and abandoned by everyone but myself. As I got older I started to not miss the things in life: My brother being around, my grandmother saying she loved me, I started to believe that it would be harder to get a girl to tell me she loved than trying to tell my grandmother how I really felt, she was all I had around now my mother was dead, my father? He didn’t really exist to me until last year.  My grandmother is sad now, her grandson is dead.

I wanted to tell her that this earth is hell, and there is no under world.

As a child I got used to not smiling and always saying I was okay, those things followed me into my adolescent years.  So now I am learning to smile, my happiness is fake, I look like I am really happy.

Now I just look at the people who seem to worry and I give them a big old’ cheese as they expect.

I haven’t killed myself yet but I want my life back already, I don’t have any problems I just don’t want to live this way too much longer, life is a bitch and I can’t seem to get her off my back.

What do you expect from a 7 year old boy who lost his mother and all he could do was stare into her bronzed wooden coffin and look at her skin: porcelain. Hey eyes wouldn’t open anymore, I had to touch her skin to see if my warmth would even out her cold skin and maybe she’d wake up, maybe she’d wake up for me. That smile they forced on her face, it was so real I wanted to give her a kiss again but I couldn’t see anymore. The rivers of sorrows became waterfalls; they fell from my eyes, reddened with agony.

You expect me to truly be happy when I feel like my dog is my best friend.

I keep thinking maybe my brother missed me as I grew up, and he grew further apart from me.

I grew insane, I grew alone. When I was alone I thought about how I wanted to watch myself die.

But hey, who gives a fuck about me?

I’m just a 17yr old nice guy with a fucked up past.

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